And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
