my being single is dangerous.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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