you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
