he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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