____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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