I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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