one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
