We won't sleep together?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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