Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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