She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Boobs are out for the taking
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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