I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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