My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
