I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
