Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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