I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
