Pregnant stripper...not hot.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
