Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
