The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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