I'm pants shitting drunk right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
