remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
