I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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