Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
