I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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