I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
