Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
