My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
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