i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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