oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
