I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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