Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
