Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
