we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
