Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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