Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
