May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
