Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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