I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
