I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
