Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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