the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
