bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize