just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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