Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
