He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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