he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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