Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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