I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
