Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
