What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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