He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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