I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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