If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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