I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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