threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
