I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize