you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she peed on how many people?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
