Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, beer. Big fan.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize