Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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