no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
