he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
