my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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