What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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