i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was confusing and full of hummus
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
