I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
